It's all just an act.
On the outside I look like a happy-go-lucky person.
But deep inside I am comprised of the words you see on the page.
And I think I finally understand now.
He lives a much better "without me" life.
I shall not selfishly ruin his happiness.
I will stay as far away from him as possible.
...
@ganweiliang
Sunday, August 26, 2012
Sigh, I can't even bring myself to pursue my own happiness.
Guess I'll remain in depression for a while.
I digress a little.
Well my dad got himself a smartphone, which he does NOT know how to use.
And he got my sis a new Galaxy Ace II AND a new iPod Touch 4G.
I'm just not good enough.
My achievements are completely incomparable.
Back to the topic.
I can't believe I'm doing this again, I guess some things are just not meant to forgotten.
This weekend felt VERY long while he was overseas.
I thought I would barely notice his absence from the internet, but no.
Countless refreshing of twitter apps have proven otherwise.
Worsened by the fact that I am now depressed, I have chosen to fall back on one of the few safety nets I know exist.
I swear ALMOST nothing related happened while I was in Cambridge.
It's already been 2 months, I feel pathetic.
At least I don't freak out and hyperventilate when he's around anymore.
Just that the sight of him or sound of his name has a high chance of temporarily distracting me.
Come to think of it, all I really want is a HTHT with him.
At least I think he would understand me best.
It would make me feel so much better to let out all my crap to someONE and not someTHING.
And to someone who can make my day and keep me happy for at least 24 hours.
But I have no idea how to ask for one, which makes me feel like an utter failure inside out.
My only other solution is to wait for someone to take his place.
Which I have already sworn to only let happen about 4 years from now.
I just need to ensure I don't kill myself before then.
Love is such a bitch.
...
@ganweiliang
"Even though I've "stopped liking you," every time someone says your name, my head turns right towards them. It's like every time I hear it, I think of all we could have had and all that could have happened, that didn't."
- makemestfu
Currently in dire need of a HTHT
...
@ganweiliang
Friday, August 24, 2012
In light of all the shit that has happened over the past few months, I have vowed to reject all feelings for anyone until I enter University.
If so many people think that I should not love anyone, I shan't.
I'd much rather PRETEND not to like anyone than risk doing so and be thrown into the far, deep end of society, and the only way is to forcibly be single.
I know I still have feelings for some people and recently developed a new EC but all of that doesn't matter anymore.
Love has made me a miserable human being.
I love in fear, love in loneliness and love in uncertainty..
Afraid that I'll lose friends if they find out (including a majority of my class).
Lonely because there are few whom I can talk to about.
And uncertain whether my heart is choosing the right type of people (have never chosen the right type)
Unlike to others, love is torturous to me and is more of a suffering than ecstasy.
"crying only makes the aggressor feel better. don't succumb to that. you need to be strong and you are."
(yes, if you are reading, I have not forgotten this tweet for some reason)
I am trying my best to keep my composure.
My acting skills are being pushed to the limit.
All I really need now is someone to talk to.
But who is willing to talk to me when promos are a month away?
I'm now going to sound really pathetic.
I would honestly be perfectly content with just a few words from him.
I'm not madly in love anymore, I think.
But in times like this when I am this deep in depression,
I just want someone to brighten my mood.
And currently only one person comes to mind who can do so with almost no effort.
Just a chat, anything, although I will end up confiding everything in him again.
I just really don't want to feel alone.
Seeing him makes me happy, let alone talking to him.
I'm just worried he still bears grudges against me.
And unsure of whether he would still want to bring this topic up again.
But i'm too introverted to approach him.
What are the chances of a response?
I can feel the tears again.
I need to STOP being so emotional.
I shall go to sleep.
...
@ganweiliang
A quick poll during GP has shown that 2/3 of the class is against me.
Now I feel bad for even having a crush on anyone.
I have nothing else to say.
Leave me alone.
...
@ganweiliang
Thursday, August 23, 2012
It's no sleep for me tonight.
A heated GP discussion struck too close to my heart.
In all honesty, I thought I could ignore the views of others.
But as the discussion went on, my heartbeat rose rapidly.
My fist clenched and my nails sunk into my skin.
The pain, however, was overshadowed by the wealth of emotions and thoughts in me.
It became evident that I had zero control over my emotions.
What started as a discussion on logical fallacies in a speech arguing for the criminalisation of it soon erupted into an intense argument.
The few who were strongly against provided a million and one reasons based mainly around how such people were unnatural; harmful and a hindrance to society; and made a choice to go down this path.
The 1 or 2 who tried talking back were immediately shot down by a flurry of arguments.
"Born that way" and "Equal rights" were simply insufficient to oppose their strong views.
After a few tries, the rest of the class remained silent as those few presented their views.
Were the rest, For? Against? On the fence? I'll probably never know.
But many of them seemed to be convinced by the end of the lesson that it should be criminalised due to it's potential harm to society.
My tutor, a devout Christian (or Catholic not really sure), had no intention of mediating the debate. She will be continuing the discussion for another 1.5 hours tomorrow.
Sitting through today's 1.5 hours was already torturous enough that I had to immediately pack my bag the moment the lesson ended, leave the classroom slamming the door behind me and run away in fear of seeing or listening to the class again.
Every sentence sent shivers up my spine and I literally shuddered for the next 15 minutes, unable to even stand still without trembling vigorously.
Venting my anger on a wall didn't make things any better.
I am now this close to an emotional breakdown.
I am still partly trembling and have a strong desire to punch anyone in the face.
By tomorrow, after another 1.5 hours and an hour of a relationship management talk, I am going to cross the line.
And I'm going to sit in class and cry alone because no one is going to care.
Why am I even still here?
I should be in jail...
Guilty As Charged.
...
@ganweiliang
