Saturday, June 30, 2012
Seeing as how 25% of my JC life is over and I have nothing better to do now.
(Actually I have homework but I decided to my brain a break from 4 hours of an intensive math workout)
Let's look back at my school life.
Lower Sec:
Come to school, sit through and pay attention during lessons.
Finish school, help friends with homework.
Finish homework, game a little and go back home with friends.
Blog if something interesting happens in the day, sleep early.
Upper Sec:
Come to school, rush through homework due that day.
Daydream in class or finish other homework.
Finish school, help friends with homework.
Game with my gaming buddies in class until evening.
Eat dinner with them, go home alone on the bus and think about life.
Emo until midnight, blog about what I've been thinking about and sleep immediately after posting.
Current JC:
Come to school, walk by his class bench and realise he's almost never there.
Finish all tutorials during the first lecture on a topic and surf the internet throughout the rest.
Pass my tutorials around for "reference" and never get them back.
Daydream or surf the internet during tutorials.
Go to lunch and throw glances at him during while eating.
Freak out throughout the day everytime I see him in the distance.
Finish school and slack around in class.
Realise that everyone either goes home early or has stuff on and end up being alone in class.
Realise also that no close friends or classmates take the same bus back home as me anymore.
Remembers that I only know 3 people who still take the same bus back home as me, all from his class.
Checks their last lesson of the day and waits for that time while slacking.
Attempts to follow them to the bus stop while keeping a distance, trying to pretend it was a coincidence in an attempt not to go home alone and not to create an awkward situation.
ALWAYS FAILS for some reason and ends up going home alone.
I'm too late or they're too late or they have something on or I have something on etc etc.
(well there was ONE successful attempt, although I ended up watching him whatsapp her but it was still better than going home alone)
Think about him on the way home, emo at home, blog, sleep.
Future JC:
Everything school related will stay constant.
Everything related to him will probably be gone in a few weeks.
Going home alone will probably stay the same because asking them when they are leaving school so I can go home with them feels so awkward and stalker.
The last line will change to: think about life on the way home, emo at home, emo on blog, sleep.
But who knows what else the future will hold?
...
@ganweiliang
Thursday, June 28, 2012
It felt so good talking to him, I don't think I've ever relieved so much from my mind at one go before.
Of course I have so much more bottled up inside but I have my whole life to slowly release it.
It was really so nice of him to patiently talk with me for a good 1.5 hours.
Especially in the middle of his exams.
It's almost impossible to find such nice friends in this world anymore.
I should probably lend a listening ear to him some day.
Over the last few years a lot of my friends have probably treated me as tool to get answers for homework, and as a mugging buddy because I never really needed to study much.
But to be honest I really do enjoy teaching others and helping others with their studies, so that was pretty much my role.
I never found anyone with a good listening ear, nor anyone close enough that I felt comfortable completely confiding into.
The only reason why I probably did talk so much was because he initiated the conversation, which I took it as the fact that he was willing to listen.
Still it was nice to relieve all of that, just that I now feel the strong need to return the favour.
Some day I will, trust me, or my conscience won't let me rest.
...
@ganweiliang
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
Is it so hard to believe that what I feel towards another guy is the same as what anyone would feel towards another guy/girl?
Love is a universal feeling that feels the same for everyone.
There is no need to teach me how to differentiate a best friend from someone I'm attracted to.
If you think the difference is not obvious enough, then clearly you have not felt true love and I should be the one teaching you.
Okay enough ranting.
I'm now going through the stage of listening to heartbreak songs and relating to them again.
The "love song" stage is over...for now.
Away with the Bruno Mars, Aqua and other miscellaneous songs.
For the past few days I can't get enough of 21, and for some strange reason Payphone, like seriously.
Not only the song, but the lyrics especially.
"You can't expect me to be fine, I don't expect you to care"
"But even the sun sets in paradise"
Nothing good ever lasts.
...
@ganweiliang
My mood is pretty much great right now after my application won champions today :)
I'm pretty much over the sadness already, there's really nothing much to be sad about.
Surprisingly almost none of my friends in school know anything, and I pretend that nothing happened too.
It's alright, I don't really want that many people to know either.
I'm just still very distracted.
I'll probably just be very distracted for the rest of the week, but I'll survive on my own.
My final job is now to get over him.
I'm forcing myself to get rid of my thoughts when I keep thinking about him.
And to stop longing to bump into him wherever I go.
I will probably freak out if I see him again but I've yet to testify that.
I've promised him I'll forget, but that's practically impossible.
I can only pretend it never happened, which I will.
Experience speaks for itself, one can never totally get over someone especially when the feelings were that strong.
...
@ganweiliang
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
Living through a heart break alone is so not easy.
Especially because I cannot discuss it openly, for obvious reasons.
Haiz, I still have so many questions I want to ask him.
Not about me, about him.
About how he felt knowing, about how and why he knew.
But I already promised him never to talk about it again.
So I will just have to leave them as question marks in my head.
Armed with Adele's 21 and a BizSpark stress ball to prevent me from destroying anything,
it's time to cry myself to sleep.
Good Night.
...
@ganweiliang
Monday, June 25, 2012
I still feel like crying every time I read or think about the message that he sent to me.
Not because of the fact that I have been friend zone'd after one year.
Since that is something crying will never get you over.
And from experience you can never get over it no matter how long or how hard you try.
But because he decided to treat me as a close friend and not a freak even after all this.
And because he is the third person to tell me that I could talk to him about this when I felt alone.
Which happens all the time since I only have THAT many friends to confide to with all the hate going around.
And the fact that I know of no one else like me.
These words that came right out of him really touched my heart.
And will continue to do so every time I think about it.
I'm tearing up again as I write this.
Thank you for putting me in the friend zone and not out of it :')
...
@ganweiliang
It's time to start anew, start on a fresh new page.
Another one has officially gone down the drain.
One year of fun is over, it's now time to let go.
I just came back from tears and I still feel like a freak.
I've changed everything except one thing.
One which I want to change so badly but i can't.
Myself.
...
@ganweiliang
