Saturday, July 14, 2012
I need a reason to procrastinate right now, so let's talk.
Finally managed to take a breather yesterday by hanging out with so many high school peeps whom I've missed so much.
Lunch + Counter Strike + DOTA + Soccer + Badminton + Dinner + Pool = Fun-filled Day.
I don't think we would've ever left if we weren't worried about missing the last bus/train home.
There are so many things about high school that I now miss in JC.
Other than the obvious fact that there was less work and more time,
high school teachers were more like friends than teachers.
We could talk as if there was no generation gap and I didn't really have to think twice before I said anything.
In fact, I totally miss the times I could openly use my laptop on the table, while my teachers were teaching, and chat with other teachers in the staff room on Facebook and Twitter.
For some reason no teacher has questioned anything before.
Currently I can only do so with 2 of my JC tutors, but oh well I guess JC is just meant to be like that.
Sigh I need to get back to work soon.
I don't think I'll be able to post as often now due to obvious reasons.
It's becoming more of chatting than writing already, as how's it's been the past few years during the busy periods.
Maybe once I leave for UK in 3 weeks I'll have more time to myself and I'll be rid of all the little distractions in school.
But I promise a post tomorrow because I need to clear my mind on my direction for EC4.
Honestly, EC4 is nothing compared to EC3, looking at the IT skills of the members, or lack thereof.
I have loads to say, but I'll leave them for tomorrow or I'll never get work done today.
OH MY GOD...okay I literally JUST got distracted by new irresistibly handsome and cute photos on Facebook.
I swear I wasn't stalking, they were on my timeline.
And I thought I could get through today without......never mind.
Why must the world do this to me?
...
@ganweiliang
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
I'm so sorry school's swallowing me up and not giving me any opportunity to even write.
Can I talk to you this weekend?
Hope you don't feel lonely and empty, literally.
...
@ganweiliang
Monday, July 9, 2012
"Sometimes you will never know the true value of a moment until it becomes a memory"
Just finished the trip report which forced me to remember every single detail of it.
I conveniently went through all of this year's and last year's photos as well.
Needless to say, I was overwhelmed with emotions.
It's so much easier to become just close friends when we're close friends and see each other everyday, or so I've learnt.
Now I've got nothing to fall back on because we were never just close friends so I can only fall back on a few months back, which isn't a very good idea.
I take back my words from last week saying JC life has changed.
Honestly, nothing much has changed.
School life still pretty much feels like what I described it to be several posts ago.
But maybe, just maybe, the feeling is different.
Maybe the heart racing and panic when he's around is something else.
Could it be admiration? Could it just be the feeling lingering around in the empty space waiting to be filled?
I can't even comprehend my own heart, and I don't have a lot of chances too in the first place.
How I wish I had a complete guide to understanding myself.
...
@ganweiliang
Sunday, July 8, 2012
Taking a break from work to let my mind wander off.
I don't even know why I'm blogging here when I have 2 other blog posts to write about silicon valley.
It was so much easier last year when I simply copied my own blog posts since I actually wrote about what happened throughout the day, rather than this year where I wrote half about that and half nonsense every night.
Can't believe I've already been blogging for 4.5 years and this is officially my fourth blog.
Just shows how much crap goes through my mind everyday.
Back to the topic that struck my mind as I watched a video today.
Which is the fact that I try too hard to fit in.
I used to always think that the world's population was evenly split into homo and hetero, just like male and female, never have I thought I was abnormal in this sense.
As I lived through high school, I gradually learnt otherwise.
I learnt of the worse than 1:99 split, the stereotypes, the discrimination, the stories and essentially the fact that I'm like an alien race to the rest of the world.
In school, I hear "gay" ever so often but 100% of the time it is used as an insult either when raging at others or laughing at others.
It's also used as a topic to crack jokes on since most people don't believe that we really exist and that we're just a "theoretical" group of people.
The idea that I was essentially an insult and a joke etched deep into my mind.
I tried to change, using a variety of methods, always trying to "turn normal" but to no avail.
Over the years, I grew to be more self-conscious, of my actions and my behaviour.
It didn't really make much of a difference since I already broke almost every single stereotype, but once in a while I cannot help but restrict myself from doing something that seemed even the slight bit feminine.
Even the smallest details like the way I stood or the way I sat that other people don't even notice, I don't even know why I tried so hard to "act straight" and fit in when I already had so many friends who were more feminine than me before this and they didn't care.
It soon became second nature and it happened even outside of school.
It was as if a took up a full-time acting career and my only breaks were when I was alone in my room.
I have to admit that it's still happening now.
At least, I've increased my break frequency since I can drop the act around the people I've told but to be honest there's not much difference whether I'm acting or not. Even if there was only I ever noticed the differences, no one else cared.
Now the acting is more of controlling and hiding my emotions to make it even less obvious. I know no one cares but it's hard for me not to think that everyone around me is watching my every move.
My biggest act of all undoubtedly goes to the act I put up in front him and especially the act I put up for 10 days straight.
That was probably one of the most challenging acts of mine, especially without friend support.
I wouldn't say it was 100% successful but it was all totally worth it.
Now, it's a different chapter; different scene, different story, different act.
It's easy for my mind to wander back now, but if anything happens in school over the next few days, you'll be one of the first to find out.
...
@ganweiliang
Saturday, July 7, 2012
Sigh so sorry I crashed yesterday, it's been a long week.
I swear I was crafting a post when i fell asleep.
In fact, it's 1am now but I couldn't leave you alone, could I?
Since my brain isn't really working, let's just talk about what's going on in my life.
Well there's IOI of which I finally made it into the team.
I am actually the shittiest person among the IOI team.
Winning NOI was one thing, but once the problems got harder I literally turned into an idiot.
It's always like that, as you climb the ranks and meet more people better than you, you start feeling more and more useless.
I feel really bad now because essentially I was ranked 4th in the selection test and the 5th guy kind of raged to his friends and our trainer about it.
And I'm actually pretty sure he's better than me but I got in due to 2 strokes of luck.
For one, this year they took best 2 selection tests of 3 and I happened to screw up 1 of them.
Secondly, I'll never forget that file compression question and the 80KB text file which I compressed to 15KB in 2-3 hours and decompressed without loss using random algorithms I came up with on the spot.
This got me a crucial 100 points that secured my place.
But I believe I got lucky and now I feel stressed by the pressure of doing well for the country.
Fortunately there's nothing on until after I come back from Cambridge, but I cannot find the time to practice anymore.
There's Project Work, Math Research Project, M.I.T., CenTaD Project, SMTP Earth Science Project, all my tutorials and random competitions being thrown at me.
To think that I'm going to miss 2 weeks school in Cambridge, not to mention be attending lessons while everyone's enjoying their 3 day National Day holidays, which will be nonexistent there.
On top of that, promos start while I'm in Italy for IOI so my J1 life is officially screwed.
I guess my only consolation is that all this work is distracting my mind from wondering off and thinking too much about other stuff.
Ok about random life now.
My dad gave in and is finally upgrading our internet so that I won't have to share a 3Mbps = 375 KB/s bandwidth with my whole family.
My phone contract should be ending in a few months and my sis is getting a phone upgrade since hers is even older than my already old and useless phone. Her phone can't even save contacts to SIM...
Time to hunt for the cheapest mobile plan and the best $0 phone again.
My iPod's dying and the warranty is long over so I'm just going to use it until it's dead since I'll never get to have one anytime soon.
My laptop's been falling apart since the start of the year but I'll have to live with it for another few years, just need to screw back the screws that fall out once in a while and applying pressure on the screen to make sure it stays in one piece since the frame is coming off.
I don't understand why people like to think I'm IT savvy just because I do all those IT stuff.
All I can do is keep up with IT news and watch everyone use the gadgets, I doubt that's very savvy.
It's always fun to go see IT shows and stuff but I've never come out with anything before.
In any case I'm struggling to keep my life in tact now so I don't have the time to care about such stuff.
School is not helping.
...
@ganweiliang
Thursday, July 5, 2012
Sigh I'm not exactly in the best of moods right now having stared at a computer for a day and literally got nothing out of it.
Nothing much to say on an uneventful day.
Just wanted to say that I don't understand the fuss over guys behaving with insufficient masculinity.
If that is the case, just let them be, there's totally nothing wrong with it.
There is no need to force a completely unnecessary and most likely impossible change.
In fact, I think most of them are really cute that way and some girls do like that so I don't see the problem.Being judged is one thing but if you can prove to others that their judgement is wrong, they don't have the right to judge you.
And talking about that, I want to prove to so many people that I'm just a normal human being.
Why do so many people not want to believe so? Is it that unbelievable?
The world is so judgmental.
...
@ganweiliang
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
"And finally I'm forced to face the truth, no matter what I say I'm not over you"
Clearly I'm getting more songs stuck in my head.
It's always easy to THINK you are over someone, especially when you only bump into him every once in a while.
But it is at that very moment that you realise that's not the case.
Your heart starts racing and a flurry of mixed feelings takes over you until you lose control of yourself.
When I talk to him, the feeling is no different from a few months ago.
Suddenly, nothing matters anymore and those few minutes seem so long.
I try so hard to pretend we're just friends and once the short conversation ends, I leave as fast as I can before the feelings I'm trying to hide start showing.
The only difference now is that feeling I'm trying to hide.
But his voice is still as beautiful and as soothing as ever, I don't even know why.
On a side note, I can't help but think I'm being watched in school.
The word has spread a little and I know who.
Some of which I see throughout the day.
Not my classmates (I hope), but pretty close.
Every time I see them nearby, I can't help but think that they are watching me and inside them, they are judging.
I keep trying to tell myself that people don't fucking care because they have more than enough things to care about in school and life than a little faggot around them.
But my mind refuses to be convinced and doesn't let me see them the same way again.
Why am I so stubborn about everything?
Why can't my mind just change when I want it to?
It'll make everything so much easier.
...
@ganweiliang
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
As I slowly browsed through the 1000 photos I just got from the SV trip,
I felt like I was living through those 10 days all over again, right in front of my eyes.
Nostalgia set in, and seeing his face 100 times more didn't help.
As I looked back and uncontrollably smiled to myself, I wonder why I'm still looking back at something that will never happen again.
Those were the best memories and I'm at a dilemma as to whether I should forget them.
Thinking about him used to bring joy, a smile and consolation that my life isn't so bad because there was always something to look forward to that made me forget about everything else that wasn't going well.
Now, it brings me to the verge of tears together with a sense of guilt and self-hate for what I have done and what I should've done months ago but have failed to.
But I don't know why I still turn at every corner wishing he was on the other side, and the tears always tasted a little sweet, leaving me wanting more.
Either way, it's still a persistent thought and memories never fail to ensure the thoughts come back every few hours.
But our brains are made only to consciously remember, never to consciously forget.
"Memory...I can smile at the old days...Let the memory live again" -- Cats Musical
Those days aren't old now, but they will soon be.
The memories will haunt me forever, reminding me of this awesome one year, an even more awesome 10 days and also how it all ended.
But as GLaDOS once said: "there's no sense crying over every mistake"
...
@ganweiliang
Monday, July 2, 2012
Took a well-deserved break from everything today.
Threw my homework at home, internet access out of the window and spent a good fun day with friends.
It's nice to forget about everything for a day.
But it's scary how thoughts flood my mind the moment I bid my last goodbye.
I don't dread school for work, 4.5 years has numbed that feeling.
I now only cringe at the thought of seeing my CT again.
Especially since in the last week of semester 1, he told me he wanted to talk to me personally some day.
When he talks about sexuality in class, I feel as if he's scolding me and shooting arrows straight through my heart.
That faithful day when he questioned a classmate's sexuality in class, leading to a discussion that ended quickly on a question mark, all I could feel was fear and the urge to leave the class immediately before anything bad could happen.
Fortunately I wasn't the one in question, or I would've broken down in under a minute, but to be honest I would be probably be one of the last few suspects based on my behaviour.
The thought of a personal chit-chat still freaks me out though, and even more so after the last one made a friend of mine came out in tears after digging through every last thought.
Mine will be no better, if not worse because of this thing that I already have problems hiding, not to mention in a heart to heart talk with him.
He will most likely treat me as a freak and completely ruin my JC life for me, if it still exists after that.
Now I totally regret accepting his invitation to talk to him some time this term.
And all I dread is the day when the question comes up: "Can I have a chat with you?"
In my mind, I will probably think: "Don't be an idiot. Say no NOW!"
And only a "Yes" can slip right off my tongue.
Then it will be a walk straight to hell as my life ends right there.
...
@ganweiliang
Sunday, July 1, 2012
In a bid to completely start anew, and at the same time welcome the new JC semester,
I have literally changed everything.
I've repacked my whole room, gotten a haircut,
completely changed my desktop layout in my room and on my computer.
It's almost been a week since it happened, and I swear I still can't get him out of my mind.
Of course I'll never get over his extremely good looks and how good he is as a person,
but that can be done on a friendship level.
But what's making it so hard to forget?
So I looked back to try to learn from past experiences.
How did I get over them by myself?
Fact is: I never did. Well not consciously anyway.
I realised I never successfully consciously got over them.
After getting to know them for a year or two, I think something about them turned me off.
In a non-sexual way of course...oops.
I obviously know that everyone has their own little imperfections,
and I'm not petty, or else all of these wouldn't have happened.
But there was just something that I probably couldn't tolerate in the long-term, only as friends.
And it unknowingly and unconsciously diluted the feelings until we were just best friends.
I didn't have to do anything, nor have them find out about it before it simply turned to friendship.
So what's my action plan now? WAIT. Yes, wait.
Since I was never able to dilute it consciously, I doubt I can do it now.
And clearly knowing they're straight doesn't help at all.
So all I can do is wait and let nature take its course.
Will something similar happen this time? I doubt so.
But do I have any other choice? I doubt so either.
...
@ganweiliang
